I am here to help and console all of you hopeful love bugs out there who want nothing more than to cuddle up next to someone adorable and warm, but sadly that adorable, innocent looking human being turned out to be a home-wrecking, crazy bitch. Although I don’t have a resumé of experience with relationships, I have relationship expertise. I have been the consoler for my girly man friend’s broken heart and an accomplice to my girlfriend’s illciit plan to burn pictures and smash things. Do not fear. A sore heart is not a broken heart.
You know damn well you deserve better, but that does not stop that achy feeling in your chest from subsiding. Recall all of those wasted nights lying in bed thinking, “WHY ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?” You know what? You could’ve been taking ME out to ice cream or a movie. That is the solution here. This is not an advice blurb. This is my greatest, most elaborate art installation ever. I’m not the real writer here, these aren’t real words, and we’re not even on a real website. What you’ve read tonight was my brilliant opus to sequester an artistic visionary and subject him to the mindless incoherent trashings of talentless abnormalities. I call it ‘Genius Unscathed,’ and this is my masterpiece (Please tell me you have some idea where this is from, otherwise you’ve just wasted 20 seconds of your life. Your loss).
Anyways, that is the solution. I am the solution. Take me out to dinner.
Music Choice: “P.Y.T” – Michael Jackson. Because you want to love me.