What Your Salad Dressing Says About You

I love salad, but there is nothing worse than someone ordering a delicious salad with disgusting dressing. Like what’s the point of eating a salad if you just covered it in garbage, you filthy animal? (caution: don’t say this to your mother or she will backhand you)

Cesar: Are you stupid? You ordered a giant bowl of romaine lettuce, freshly grilled chicken and a heaping serving of FAT to cover your healthiness with. You thought the idea of a salad and eating “healthy” was satisfying enough because salad is “healthy”, but you are wrong. You are a hypocrite.

Dressing on the side: You have more trust issues than Drake. You can’t handle the thought of someone else having control over some aspect in your life. You like to do things where YOU are the captain of your own ship and the author of your book. LET IT GO.

A strange, exquisite-ass dressing: You are the person everyone aspires to be: bold, wild, handsome (in some cases). You don’t give a FUCK if your whole salad is ruined by this new dressing. You will die in some sort of extreme accident before you turn 30.

None: You are afraid of what people think of you. At the salad bar, your worst fear comes alive as you step toward the dressing section. Beads of sweat drip from your forehead as you make eye contact with the glaring eyes waiting for you to make your next move. Your indecisive and self-conscious self skips the dressing and ultimately you end up with a bowl full of unharmed vegetables and lower cholesterol.

Barbecue sauce: Um, hey there buddy. You’ve got the wrong food group. Dazed and confused.

Oil and vinegar: You were the sweet girl with the douchey boyfriend back in high school. You enjoy seeing opposites attract. Just make sure you’re not in water when you decide to turn on your hair dryer.

Ranch dressing: C.R.E.A.M: Cash rules everything around me. If you put Ranch dressing on your salad, you’re materialistic.

Raspberry Vinaigrette: The perfect balance of sweet and tangy. You live a good life filled with smart choices. Play the lottery.

Music Choice: “Home” – Gabrielle Aplin. This is such a girly song. If you’re a guy, SUCK IT UP AND BE A WOMAN FOR FOUR MINUTES AND TWENTY SIX SECONDS.

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One thought on “What Your Salad Dressing Says About You

  1. Pingback: Best Ever Healthy Vegan Salad Dressing | Half Crunchy Mom

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