The single life is getting boring (LOL JK), but I have comprised a list (for fun) of questions for any of you fine fellas who would rather fill out a boyfriend application designed by me than read something better. Newsflash: there is nothing better than this. Ladies, you are more than welcome to fill this out too, but don’t get your hopes up…
1) If you were caught inside a burning building and had a pet kitten named Mr. Fluffy and a dog named Sparky but one of your hands was occupied with Apple Toaster Strudels (a rarity among supermarkets), would you grab the dog or the cat?
a) I love all animals! Let the Toaster Strudels “toast”, grab both animals and run! Once the animals are safe, I will risk my life for Toaster Strudels.
b) Poor Sparky definitely. Let the kitty burn.
c) Mr. Fluffy! I just love how he hacks up hairballs and leaves rats at my doorstep. I want to live this lifestyle forever.
2) Today is a good day to fuck shit up at the gym. What machine do you use first?
a) I go straight to the weights. I LIFT THINGS UP AND PUT THEM DOWN.
c) I like to stretch my quads and hamstrings. Safety first!
3) You decide today you love me enough to take me on a coffee date. What is your coffee order?
a) Triple shot espresso.
b) Chai latte.
c) No Foam Vanilla Latte.
4) Speaking of dates, what would be your ideal date for a whole day?
a) Wake up, go on morning hike and explore, drink coffee on top of a mountain, talk until it’s time for lunch, go back to your place and cook some mac and cheese with hot dogs because we’re still young at heart, watch a movie, make a movie, eat the leftover mac and cheese with hot dogs.. because we’re still young at heart, go out for dessert at a hole-in-the-wall bakery.
b) Wake up, bring me to your mother’s place for breakfast, drive to a grocery store to buy produce, stop for coffee on the way home, take me to the movies instead of watching movies at your place because the only movies you have are Sound of Music and Silence of the Lambs, bring me home and kiss me on my doorstep.
c) Wait until I wake up to text you first because you’re “sick of always texting me first”, bring me Dunkin Donuts paid with by my credit card, tell me you’re going to play basketball with your friends but in the mean time I can stay at your place and clean your room.
5) What are your hobbies?
a) I like to explore, whether it’s music, art, books or the outdoors. When I’m not reading, I like to volunteer at local animal shelters. After I devote myself to the helpless animals, I go to the gym to work on getting that perfect six pack but at the end of the day I don’t really care what society thinks of my body so, like, it’s totally fine if I skip gym day. Traveling is a definite when I’m not putting hours in at my career to live a better life for myself.
b) I like to spend all day on the internet. There are a lot of things you can learn on the internet. I also like to go shopping and spend all of my money on myself and no one else.
c) I enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners and living at home with my mother.
So how did I do….?
You might be asking this question. Here are your answers:
Mostly A’s: If you exist, come find me. I’ve been waiting.
Mostly B’s: I mean, second best is still good right? Wrong. Mediocre.
Mostly C’s: You are a pity party. Take a few lessons from Mr. A.
Music Choice: “You Can’t Be My Girl” by Darwin Deez – … but hopefully you can be my man!