The Five People You Meet In College

Ah, college. What a terrible representation the movies have given us.

The Drunk/Drug Dealer– Midterm on Monday? Who cares! This college student is looking to get TURNT UP WASTED SHITFASTED. You can find this breed of student at every single party, big or small, on campus making a total fool of him/herself or puking in the community fountain. The Drunk must always carry a bottle of some sort of clear liquid on them for partying purposes and their phone to take the most Instagram pictures and market themselves as “totlly drUnk rght now”. The Drug Dealer is similar to The Drunk, only they spend their time trying new drugs to fuck up their body. The Drug Dealer always has the hookup.

The Smart Ass– The Smart Ass will get far in life, but not too far. This breed puts you down. On the first day of class if you find there is a Smart Ass sitting somewhere in the room RUN DON’T WALK to your advisor’s office and switch out. Take a Philosophy class where everyone is right and has a valued opinion. If you so happen to get stuck in a class with The Smart Ass, or even worse have to sit next to him/her, never raise your hand to answer a question. The Smart Ass will immediately rebuttal your opinion and be the first to tell you that you are wrong and he/she is right in absolutely everything.

The Kiss Ass– The Kiss Ass will go far in life, but won’t have any friends because no one likes a Kiss Ass. The Kiss Ass hands in their homework a week before it’s due. The Kiss Ass likes to sit in the front of the classroom (hey, I do this too but only because my eyesight is -13/-13 and I’m as blind as a fucking bat). Even the professor secretly loathes the Kiss Ass because he/she asks too many questions which forces the professor to actually give a shit.

The Gifted Trifecta– The perfect breed of college student. The Gifted Trifecta student has the three essentials: brains, beauty and athletic ability. Don’t you wonder how the Gifted Trifecta can manage to get an A on almost all of his/her papers while still managing to look godly good for an 8am? AND he/she was able to get a nice workout before class. DO YOU SWEAT? DO YOU EVEN STUDY? The world may never know.

The Sorority Student- ALPHA OMEGA CHI LATTE APPLE PIE KAPPA! This is all I hear when the Sorority Students scream and shout their patriotism for their sorority. The Sorority Student has lots of friends from their sorority and all they talk about is fundraisers for their sorority or new handshakes they want to makeup for their sorority. Nothing against Sorority Students, because I realize now how hard it is to fake a smile and pledge and give up $500 dollars to be apart of a group of guys/girls who label themselves as Sorority Students. But again, nothing against Sorority Students.

Music Choice: “Mango Tree” by Angus and Julia Stone. I love mangoes. Reason enough.

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