Santa Claus Doesn’t Exist and New Years is For Drinking

Remember that blurb I said you were never too old for Halloween candy? Yeah, well I wanted to go trick-or-treating but apparently there’s an age when trick-or-treating turns into freeloading. It’s a sad day when you realize holidays change as you grow older. At two years old, you didn’t care that your mother dressed you up in a dog suit and carried you around that cold October night (thanks Mom), but once 15 hits you refuse to do anything with your family and hate the world so you dress really slutty and go trick-or-treating with some cute boys and a few girlfriends.

I believed in Santa Claus until the 4th grade. My classmate ruined my life. My parents even went out of their way to keep me shielded from the truth by dressing my dad in a Santa suit and taking pictures of him by the tree Christmas Eve night. They said, “Clarissa, here’s proof,” and I believed them. Now, I know the truth and it feels so good to tell young children the harsh realities of the real world.

Also, as you grow older, holidays become more of an excuse to get wasted with the family. I realized this as my Fourth Of July memories were less vivid and progressively cloudier each year. College kids don’t really notice the difference seeing as how every weekend is a holiday for us.

Music Choice: “Time to Pretend” by MGMT. NOT ANYMORE BITCHES. SANTA ISN’T REAL, THE EASTER BUNNY IS A LIE, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS CUPID AND CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS STOLE THE LAND FROM THE NATIVES AND MADE THEM COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR HIM AND HIS BUDDIES.

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One thought on “Santa Claus Doesn’t Exist and New Years is For Drinking

  1. Maria of the sea

    I can’t believe you don’t believe in all the truths.. Well missy you will be getting coal this year. I will be calling Santa!! Btw I’m glad the young innocent children aren’t reading your blog Ms Scrooge!!!!

    Reply

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