Lassie, the famous and beloved television collie, was always to the rescue for the Martin family when that damn Timmy boy kept falling in lake and his family kept getting hurt or in trouble. We will never know what Timmy or his family was doing prior to these accidents which made them so frequent, but somehow Lassie was always watching from a distance and was the last eyewitness to the scene. The collie was rarely injured and always the one running for “help”. Has it ever occurred that Lassie’s barks could have translated to something else? Revenge, perhaps?
Here’s my theory. Lassie was jealous of Timmy and his family because they are humans with only two legs and could eat all the food they wanted to. Due to jealousy, Lassie practiced the concept of “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” and was adopted into Timmy’s family soon after. This made it easy for Lassie to fulfill her conspiracy as an insider. After a few incidents, the Martin family had their suspicions about Lassie, but kept their mouths quiet because Lassie would eavesdrop on every conversation the family had. For instance, in one episode when Timmy’s mother was caught in a bear trap, she specifically told Lassie to go home and get a C clamp while clearly gesturing a “C” with her hand. Lassie, knowing she is the only hope for Timmy’s mother to survive, galloped home but came back to the scene with a knife. The hopes Lassie had for Timmy’s mother’s demise is evident. Lassie was trying to buy some time and wanted Timmy’s mother to hopelessly chop off her leg with the knife. Timmy’s mother knew exactly what Lassie was up to and refused to use the knife to chop off her leg so Lassie, still undercover as the innocent and loving dog who doesn’t know the difference between a C clamp and a knife, ran back to the house and brought back what Timmy’s mother wanted.
Whenever Timmy was into trouble, Lassie would run and bark at the family until the family would realize Timmy’s in danger. It was the own family’s fault so many accidents were almost fatal because after 10 minutes of charades and realizing dogs will never answer the question “What’s that, Lassie?” did the family figure out DOGS ARE NOT FLUENT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Lassie could have easily been saying, “I have done it again. One down and you all to go. You will never catch me. I’m Lassie the mother-fucking collie.” Unfortunately, we will never know whether Lassie’s intentions were true, for in the final seasons it was to Lassie’s final demise that she fell down a well (ironic, because Timmy never fell down any wells and that’s what he’s famous for).
Music Choice: “Girl Inform Me” by The Shins. “But your lips when we speak are the valleys and peaks of a mountain range on fire.” A.K.A Do you need some Chapstick?