F is For Friends who Fu….

Friends with Benefits.

A movie. A way of life. In the end, no one will survive because no one knows how to be a friend with benefits. Do you realize the meaning of “benefit”?

Benefit: an advantage or profit gained from something. (Thanks, Google).

No one in that relationship should want to end up in a relationship if done properly. He/She who is the ultimate “beneficiary” is in a permanent state of “complicated” and dwells in the purgatory of relationships where they must release all of his/her sins before entering into the gates of long-termed doom. Got it?

So, if you’re that annoying friend with benefits partner who won’t shut up about Valentine’s Day and going out in public, today is your lucky day. I am going to teach you how to be a proper friend with benefits (like I have a clue anyways).

The Twelve Steps

Step One: Honesty: Be honest with yourself. There is no attachment. You are no longer the friend, but the friend with benefits. You can have your cake and eat it too, or throw it away because cake makes you fat.

Step Two: Faith: Have faith that what will happen BETTER HAPPEN (sex sex sex) and what must not happen WILL NEVER HAPPEN (relationships).

Step Three: Surrender: Live girl. Have some fun, girl. Let yourself get used to the fact that you are not invited or welcomed to spend the night. Your FWB’s other love interest will be over in 20 minutes. SURRENDER YOUR SOUL TO THE FWB GODS AND ENJOY EVERY SECOND OF IT.

Step Four: Soul Searching: You might find a part of yourself inside the other person. You might realize you are crazy in love and you want to spend the rest of your life with your friend with benefits. This is usually the step that is hardest for most FWB partners to overcome. Well, girl/boy, overcome it. Fast.

Step Five: Integrity: Look at you. Crying on your bathroom floor because your FWB liked another person’s picture on Instagram. There is nothing ice cream will do to fix that, so either get out of this alliance while it’s still early or get up, look in the mirror, fix your damn make up and resort back to Step One.

Step Six: Acceptance: Ah, finally. We’ve made it. You are now fully grasping the concept of being in an alliance of friends with benefits. You have lasted the first five steps and now you can sit back and be a realist about the situation. No more driving by his house on a Sunday morning to see who he was with the night before. YOU DON’T CARE.

Step Seven: Humility: You better be humble, modest and quiet about your alliance because you know for damn sure your girl friends will talk you into a relationship. (Not really an issue for guys, because they will probably just cheer you on.)

Step Eight: Willingness: YOU ARE READY. Anytime. Anyday. To be a good friend with benefits, you must master the booty call. Wherever they need you, you have to be. When you want some, he/she better be there. It’s a give and take.

Step Nine: Forgiveness: Forgive yourself for not being a normal human being in a relationship. What is normal, anyways? Half the time, people in relationships are fighting while you’re… well, you know.

Step Ten: Maintenance: Just because you are being a FWB doesn’t mean that you need to let yourself gain relationship weight. Go to the gym. Get a wax. Do your nails. You are not married with kids. Save yourself.

Step Eleven: Making Contact: Step Eleven might sound deceiving, but I assure you that there will be no contact with your FWB. You are actually venturing out and networking to his friends to see who else is in need of a FWB.

Step Twelve: Service: The last of the twelve steps. You have done your duties as a friend with benefits and you can choose whether or not you are OUT OF ORDER or IN NEED OF SERVICE.

After reading my Twelve Step Guide to Overcoming the FWB Curse, I hope I have helped you with your future endeavors and accomplishments.

Music Choice: San Francisco” by The Mowgli’s. I’m feeling liberal.

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