Before I Die, I Want To Know…

This post isn’t complete until you’ve watched all of the links I have embedded. Don’t worry, I’m hilarious.

  • How to balance a checkbook without my Dad’s help
  • How to hustle
  • How to proficiently¬†articulate my words and expand my vocabulary
  • How to whistle with my fingers
  • How to ride a motorcycle
  • How to use a sewing machine and sew, baby, sew
  • How to cook (at least) one meal that leaves any man weak at the knees begging for more, please
  • How to speak Italian and Spanish. I would like to become trilingual or as many linguals my brain can handle
  • How to play THE GOD, DAMN PIANO. Actually, any instrument for that matter. I don’t care if it’s the fucking triangle. I WANT TO BE MUSICALLY INCLINED.
  • How to say no. I know how this sounds. I am not a whore.
  • How to shop for shoes.
  • How to be a good wife and do wife-like things (LIKE BRINGING HOME THE BACON – LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY).
  • How to dance Ori Tahitian without feeling like my spine will dislocate itself.
  • How to grow fruits, herbs and vegetables that don’t die the day after I plant them.
  • How to play chess
  • How to say the alphabet backwards to impress foreigners and make them give me a place to stay at their house in Europe while I am there backpacking alone in a journey to find myself and explore the natures of the universe.
  • How to curl my hair with a curling iron
  • How to paint a picture I can hang on my wall and not feel ashamed of it weeks later.
  • How to film a documentary, because it is my newly desired dream to live in Hawai’i and film a documentary about Hawai’i.
  • How to make people laugh, but hopefully I’ve mastered this technique already. *ba-dum-ching*
  • How to find my personal style and dress accordingly because fashion fades but style is eternal (shoutout to my boiiii, YSL).
  • How to live minimally.
  • How to successfully get a man to buy me a drink at a bar without him waiting outside of the women’s bathroom while I plan my escape.
  • How to make drinks
  • How to help others overcome diversity
  • How to be the Queen of Pong
  • How to be an all-around happy and pleasant person to be around so that whenever someone is in my presence they feel an inexplicable warmth inside of them (no, not nausea or heartburn).
  • How to get the HELL off of social networking sites that have absolutely no purpose for my everyday life. Sorry, Facebook, but you will one day become somebody that I used to know.
  • How to take a picture. A nice picture with a nice camera. I would like to call this “Photography”.
  • How to budget my money so I can afford to take my kids on vacation every year.
  • How to be a cool mom.
  • How to go to Disney Land. I need to know how to go to Disney Land properly for my first time.
  • How to read a map.
  • How to spot the Big Dipper.
  • How to navigate around the streets of NYC like a pro

To be continued…


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