What In The World Is Going On?

Literally.

I will bet 10 dollars you haven’t used your phone to Google the news or use the Associated Press app waiting to be read. No, instead you’re on Instagram.

It’s okay, because although I am 10 dollars richer, I am about to enrich your mind with the knowledge of modern news and what the hell is going on in the world today. (my version, of course).

BREAKING NEWS: I received word today Maya Angelou, beloved author, poet and inspiration to all, has passed at the age of 86. Now my dreams of shaking her hand are shattered. First Mandela, now Maya? Please excuse me as I cry in the corner.

Shootings are sad, but school shootings are devastating, especially when it involves students my age. The University of California of Santa Barbara, known for their more-than-average STD statistics and college parties, is under radar not for college life, but because an angry individual took it upon himself to kill six students at the Alpha Phi sorority house. Apparently, he was angry no girls would pay attention to him and he was still a virgin. The only thing that makes more sense than his motives is, well, nothing.

Let’s play a game: WHERE IN THE WORLD IS EDWARD SNOWDEN? Years from now, there will be movies about him and published best sellers. Adding to his resume of “American spy” and “computer analyst”, Snowden recently revealed he had to become a part-time prostitute to pay his bills and keep his reputation undercover. LOL JK. Famous for leaking “top-secret” NSA documents, Snowden is still in Russia, eating pelmeni and drinking vodka, laughing at America. The real news to this story is that Snowden reveals he was “trained as a spy”. No shit.

What is going on in South Korea? Is it growing a jealously for North Korea and all of their bad publicity? After the ferry sank under the surveillance of South Korean officials, I thought that would be the last horrible current event, but they had more up their sleeves. 21 people were killed when a fire burned down a South Korean hospice for elderly. Apparely, an 81 year old with dementia was in charge of dinner and burned down the place, first with his killer dance moves, then with the actual fire. South Korea seems to be forgetting more than fire extinguishers and extra life vests. Safety first, South Korea.

Donald Sterling is fighting the sale of his team. Good thing his wife Shelly remembered she owns the team since Sterling signed over the stake to her. He’s arguing the recording of him being a racist was obtained illegally, therefore, the NBA cannot use illegally-obtained material to ban him. You know what else is illegal, Sterling? Slavery. In my opinion (opinion in news is never a good thing), I believe the owner of a basketball team should be able to shoot a three while handcuffed and blindfolded. Sorry, not sorry Sterling.

Now Playing: “IFHY” by Tyler, the Creator. In fajitas he yoohoos. Iced feet have Yoohoo. I’m fancy having Yoohoo. Yoohoo.

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