Amy Poehler. If you haven’t found Amy Pohler funny in at least one of her SNL skits or on the sitcom Parks and Recreation, you might as well be a ginger because you have no soul. Let’s just say if a Yo Mamma contest went down between Amy and Tina Fey (which it will), I’d totally put my money down for Amy.
Rosa Parks. Okay, she’s very much dead and not that contemporary, but she has the bad ass bitchin’ reputation to last for generations. Hi-five Rosa for never giving up. No regrets.
Mothers. My mother, your mother. They are wonderful people. Your mother had to push your tiny human being self through a small hole in her body and had to put up with your teenage hormonal shit. Moms kick ass in any situation. If you’re a mom, you win.
North West. No.. not the cardinal direction.. the human. This little inchworm is more famous than her mommy and daddy put together. The amount of publicity at not even a month old shows what a bad ass bitch North is and will become. Just the name alone. She’s like the Northern fucking Star.
The Olsen Twins. I couldn’t decide whether or not to separate these twins, but I realized together they make a nice pair of bad ass bitches. The Olsen Twins are everywhere but not everywhere. Super low-key, this fabulous duo has created an empire of their own in the fashion industry.
Betty White. Many of us wonder why Betty White hasn’t died yet, but the real question is why is Betty White going to die? She’s the only old woman I know (or would like to know) who still likes to drink heavy amounts of alcohol and is funny AF. AND she openly talks about her vagina. Betty White 1. Everyone else -1.
Gertrude Caroline Ederle. Don’t know who she is? Look her up. She was the first woman to swim the English Channel. I can’t even doggy paddle to the other side of my pool. Props to you girl, swimmin’ with the sharks and shit.
Beyoncé. Not Beyonce. Not Beyonce Knowles. Just Beyoncé (accent included). Even when her hair gets stuck in a fan, Beyoncé keeps it cool. She makes you wish YOUR hair got stuck in a fan. AND THOSE THIGHS. After the SuperBowl, gym memberships increased and bitches learned to squat. Just don’t make her angry. You won’t like Beyoncé when she’s angry.
Ellen DeGeneres. My favorite lesbian. Daytime television can’t handle her. She deserves her own state.
Music Choice: “Latch” by Disclosure. When I listen to this song, everything else is irrelevant. I don’t know why it took me so long to hear this beautiful sound, but I am so glad I was introduced. Now I can die happy. SERIOUSLY, KILL ME WHILE PLAYING THIS SONG. And that music video? God. Making out never looked so hot.
My Blurbs 