What In The World Is Going On?

Literally.

I will bet 10 dollars you haven’t used your phone to Google the news or use the Associated Press app waiting to be read. No, instead you’re on Instagram.

It’s okay, because although I am 10 dollars richer, I am about to enrich your mind with the knowledge of modern news and what the hell is going on in the world today. (my version, of course).

BREAKING NEWS: I received word today Maya Angelou, beloved author, poet and inspiration to all, has passed at the age of 86. Now my dreams of shaking her hand are shattered. First Mandela, now Maya? Please excuse me as I cry in the corner.

Shootings are sad, but school shootings are devastating, especially when it involves students my age. The University of California of Santa Barbara, known for their more-than-average STD statistics and college parties, is under radar not for college life, but because an angry individual took it upon himself to kill six students at the Alpha Phi sorority house. Apparently, he was angry no girls would pay attention to him and he was still a virgin. The only thing that makes more sense than his motives is, well, nothing.

Let’s play a game: WHERE IN THE WORLD IS EDWARD SNOWDEN? Years from now, there will be movies about him and published best sellers. Adding to his resume of “American spy” and “computer analyst”, Snowden recently revealed he had to become a part-time prostitute to pay his bills and keep his reputation undercover. LOL JK. Famous for leaking “top-secret” NSA documents, Snowden is still in Russia, eating pelmeni and drinking vodka, laughing at America. The real news to this story is that Snowden reveals he was “trained as a spy”. No shit.

What is going on in South Korea? Is it growing a jealously for North Korea and all of their bad publicity? After the ferry sank under the surveillance of South Korean officials, I thought that would be the last horrible current event, but they had more up their sleeves. 21 people were killed when a fire burned down a South Korean hospice for elderly. Apparely, an 81 year old with dementia was in charge of dinner and burned down the place, first with his killer dance moves, then with the actual fire. South Korea seems to be forgetting more than fire extinguishers and extra life vests. Safety first, South Korea.

Donald Sterling is fighting the sale of his team. Good thing his wife Shelly remembered she owns the team since Sterling signed over the stake to her. He’s arguing the recording of him being a racist was obtained illegally, therefore, the NBA cannot use illegally-obtained material to ban him. You know what else is illegal, Sterling? Slavery. In my opinion (opinion in news is never a good thing), I believe the owner of a basketball team should be able to shoot a three while handcuffed and blindfolded. Sorry, not sorry Sterling.

Now Playing: “IFHY” by Tyler, the Creator. In fajitas he yoohoos. Iced feet have Yoohoo. I’m fancy having Yoohoo. Yoohoo.

WCW: Why Care What (People Think)?

You are beautiful when you are yourself, not when you’re whining for a shoutout, props, holla-back, or whatever you want to call it on Instagram.

Wednesdays were created for people to see the glass half full. My mentality on Wednesday is usually, “If I can make it past Monday and especially Tuesday, I am strong enough to push through. LORD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH.” (except not really the Lord part because I’m not that religious).

When I see people populating my news feed with pictures of pretty women and hashtags like #WCW #MyEverything #Woman #Crush #Wednesday #HumpDay #Hump #Her #Women #Live #Laugh #Love, it makes me think that there is nothing left for our society to fuck up. You’ve already ruined my Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and if you forgot to post your #SelfieSaturday on Saturday, THANKFULLY A DAY LIKE SUNDAY EXISTS FOR THE INFAMOUS #SelfieSunday POST.

Let’s think outside of the box for a second. Wouldn’t you love to take part in #WaffleWednesday? #WickedWednesdays where you post something that’s totally WICKED (only my MA peeps can adequately participate)? #WeightLossWednesday? #WisdomWednesday? Yeah, you know I like #WisdomWednesday. It gives users a change to prove that they’re more than just robots behind a cell phone screen and know more than a three-syllable word.

Woman Crush Wednesdays were created by women, of course, and it better be women that destroy it and burn it down to the ground – because we know men never will.

Now Playing: “Enemy” – the Weeknd. The Weeknd always has me feeling some type of way. AND DO YOU GET WHY I’M LISTENING TO THE WEEKND WHILE WRITING A BLURB ABOUT THE DAYS OF THE WEEK. YA KNOW? DO YOU GET IT? YEAH? L-O-L.

Read This If You Want to Waste 1 Minute Of Your Life

Knock, Knock?
Who’s there?

A tired, college student.

Well, why are you so tired, college student?
Because I’m trying to study for finals and I have no motivation.

Well here, have a cup of coffee and a cinnamon biscotti.

Wow, thanks… *drinks* *takes bite of biscotti* Hey, wait. My mom told me never to take food from stra–

*passes out*

 

Never trust a knock, knock joke.

Now Playing: “I Want To Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. I want to do more than just hold your hand. I want to pick that eyelash off your face. Please excuse me, I’m feeling loopy.

Why We Can’t Be Friends

It’s hard finding someone to relate to when I’m always quiet but my mind is moving a mile a minute so I apologize for seeming shy and reserved but I swear I’m not like this all the time because once you work up the courage to get to know me I am the most adventure-seeking little woman you will ever meet and if you’ve already met a little woman like this please bring her to me so we can be the best of friends because I only want to be friends with these type of people and wasting my time with anyone who talks of the bad instead of making the good cannot grab my attention for more than three minutes because someone who cares if my shoe laces are untied is far more worthy of my attention than someone who doesn’t know my favorite day of the week or my middle name because those friendships make no sense to me so why spend each minute closer to death with people who don’t make me feel alive?

 

It’s not you, it’s me.

My Opinion On Opinions

My opinion on opinions is that if your opinion is too opinionated, meaning your opinion is an opinion which exceeds the limit of a welcoming opinion, than your opinion is neither a relevant nor comparable opinion to my own opinion.

My opinion is if opinions are opinionated to the the perfect degree of opinion, than your opinion will influence my opinion so that both our opinions will contribute to a greater opinion.

Then again, it’s your own opinion.

Now Playing: Some jazz in the office. Perf.

Seat belts are for Losers

seat belts are for losers

 

for the damned

for the ones afraid to die

for the safe

for the secure

for the weak

for the reserved

 

Seat belts make me sick

with their false Sense of Security.

A strip of fabric will never save you.

it just keeps you warm.

 

Sure, you’re alive.

Strapped to a seat

by a seatbelt

meant to keep you alive,

but you’re restricted.

 

Are you sure

you want to be alive

by the means of

being strapped down?

Like a dog

punished for jumping on the table?

U

You are

 

Sandpaper on soft skin

Nails on a chalkboard

Salt on an open wound

Burnt coffee

Lemons when I asked for limes

Dry meatloaf

A bad hair day

Grease stains on my favorite shirt

Stale cereal with curdled milk

An untuned guitar

The only wrong question on a test

A bird with a broken wing, bound one place for eternity

No vacations

 

Awful

Awful

Awful

The Mile High Club

There’s something sexy about being miles high in the air.

 

Above everything you’re familiar with.

Halfway there.

Your problems as small as the fields of grass below you.

 

Stare outside your window seat and watch the

white pillowed clouds dance across the pale sky

as colors blend together like freshly spun

cotton candy.

 

Gravity is for the needy.

This is as close to weightless as

you’ll ever be,

you lucky bastard.

 

But they try to ruin it.

The women with scarves.

The men in suits.

Greeting us, waiting on us

with their free Internet and

complimentary circus peanuts.

Clown smiles painted across their smug faces

making us wish

(experience,

after experience,

after experience)

we cancelled our membership.

 

linger

From time to time
a wave of your scent
Suffocates my senses.
Choking for a fresh breath
I close my Dewey eyes.
It’s Nauseating.

I see your face
on the faces of Strangers
and people I’ve known for
only a minute.
I wish I could hold my blink for
a split second longer.

your voice
is a sound I Never
want to hear a second time,
Yet
I always find myself
answering back to the same
Menacing tone in others.

I wonder if it’s my Fault
for my choices of men.

I can’t escape your type.
This is my Hell.
Is it me?
No.
It’s all of you.

Go away
and Leave the Nice girl Alone.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel Let Down Your Weave

What the hell is a paraben? A diffuser? A BAYALAGE!?

Since the years of ironing hair with a literal iron and ironing board or almost accidentally slitting your throat while cutting your hair with a knife, women have used our innovativeness to create newer hair products and ways of styling our head so the dead cells look.. well, less dead. I see women with weaves and can’t help but think that there was a girl from India wearing that hair a month ago, and now it’s caressing your butt crack. Like, who thought of the idea of re-using hair? That’s gross. Anyways, as I sit here on Sephora.com and decide whether I want a styling gel or styling creme wondering “WHAT THE HELL IS THE DIFFERENCE?” I start to think this has gone too far.

First I must ask myself, “Clarissa, what kind of hair do I have?”

Fine? I’m fine, thanks for asking.

Curly? Yeah, it curls I suppose.

Wavy? Well, it does that too.

Damaged? Hey, that’s not nice.

Thirsty? … No.

All I know is my hair is full of secrets. NICE, BIG SECRETS.

While I try to figure out my hair type and why this shampoo for “only curly hair” works for “only curly hair” (because god forbid I have one wave, my whole head will set on fire), I will leave you with some good tunes.

Now Playing: “Ain’t It Fun” by Paramore. If I had hair like Hayley Williams, I just wouldn’t give a shit.